Light in the dark
When my precious little girl arrived it wasn't the usual first time Mumma joyful experience as it is for most parents.
As you all may know her very first day in this world her Aunt Erin found a suspicious lump in my little princesses neck.
We knew before her ultrasound that wasn't a good thing & the ultrasound confirm this.
My life, just got picked up by a whirlwind of confusion, fear, but not only that a whole new level of strength, & hope!
28 days of age she was in having a biopsy!
When I was taken into that little room with babies whom had been operated on with all those shattered Mum's trying to keep it together for there precious little ones & as I remember this all now I still shed tears!
I took one look as my little princess who now looking like she's been hit by a car, she was so swollen from her biopsy laying in that little Cribb hooked up to the machine to be monitored. I could not pick her up and hold her, I had to express my milk and bottle feed her.
As my family were ushered away I tried to follow them, I didn't want to be left alone! I needed someone to hold me up!!! I remember crying & thinking to myself I can't do this alone don't leave me!
I don't think I've ever told anyone that before! I was so scared, the most I've ever felt!
I had to find that strength inside myself I was now a mum & my little lady needed her Mumma like I was needing mine!
4 weeks old we basically moved into that hospital & she started her chemotherapy!
That whirlwind really had it's grip on us.
We were in rooms with other children with cancer some won there battle, some were sent home to spend there last days with there families ??
I learnt quickly not to say to much in the tea room to any parents because you never knew if you were talking to a mum who's child wasn't doing well & mine she was a little fighter! She wasn't going anywhere! (After 4 miscarriages I knew she wasn't going anywhere because she fought to stay already!).
As I mentioned before finding strength, well that just kept getting stronger, I had to learn to stand up & be hurd in that hospital. Don't get me wrong the staff were lovely & caring but I still if my child needed something or I felt like something wasn't right I had to use that strength to say what I needed for my child.
During the day the strength was strong but when the night came I would hold Aurora & sob! I cried for her, I cried for myself, & I cried for all those sick babies & there parents whom were there with us.
I'm grateful I had my parents & my aunt & Uncle whom were there every chance they got to support Aurora & give me strength & to remember that I was not alone!
I had so much support from family & friends whom called, messaged, sent gifts to my little sweetheart & came to visit if they could.
If it wasn't for the people in my life I don't know how I'd have coped honestly.
Evey camp quality camp I go to still I cry for those children & there families just as I did in hospital. (Either on my own at night, or on my trip home cry.).
On Aurora's first birthday I finally broke down, I my eyes out, I cried like never before, SHE was 1year old SHE MADE IT! Her chemotherapy ended. Her journey is not over she will always be monitored to make sure that one piece of calcified tumor is not growing nor changing. & Although I'd like to wrap her in bubble wrap I can't, & I don't know if she really needs that LoL!
To have been through this & in a few weeks Aurora will be 8 years old & still that kid is strong & inspirational.
I never called her my angel I didn't dear give her that name! I couldn't bear to put that label onto her just in case!
She was my little light in the dark! She shone brighter then anything I'd ever seen & she still does.
Now my parents were there for me, I know how strong they were, but the table turns & now we find ourselves in a revised situation where my dad's fighting this blasted cancer & my mum's finding that strength within & don't get me wrong there already two of the strongest people I've known! So that hidden strength inside them is showing & I know my dad's strong enough to kick cancers butt!
& I now stand where they were for me trying to be strong & support them!
& Hey surely the universe wouldn't have my dad go through this experience in front of Aurora if he wasn't going to be fine right!!!
She's shown him you can kick cancer in the ass! He's strong he can too!
